opinions were like kittens i was giving them away [entries|friends|calendar] i keep this heart right next to mine [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[24 Mar 2004|12:08am] new journal ilneverdieyoung most of the entries in this journal were friends only. if you feel like reading about my past just comment and i'll add you. post comment

100% pure fucking honesty [21 Mar 2004|01:22am] [ mood | hopeful ] I've been through a lot in my life. My mother is extremely bipolar and my dad is one of the most moody and overbearing people that exist. i've had to deal with an illness that no 18 year old should ever have to go through. Bottom line: I'M STILL FUCKING HERE! Sure that's a lot to deal with, i mean the illness and all that baggage alone accounts for a lot of problems, but it's not a license to make the world feel sorry for me. I have a lot of great qualities, and i love myself, but this is one part of my personality that i bury because i'm embarassed to admit how dramatic i really am. I said it. I feel better now. I've learned a lot about myself this week. I'm capable of being a lot more stable than i actually am. It's time for me to reduce my dependence on the sympathy of others. I'm strong, I know it, I just need to prove that to other people. I don't want this to just be one of those things i say and never follow through with. I honestly think this will make me a better person. I really think i should start a new journal. If anyone has a code they want to give me, I would really appreciate it, if not that's ok too, maybe keeping my thoughts to myself for a while is a good thing. so, i'm done posting on this journal for now. It holds certain parts of me that i'm not very proud of. Even the username is really dramatic. goodnight. sincerely, Joe 2 comments|post comment

[01 Dec 2003|12:21am] from this day on, my journal is friends only comment if you want to be added 11 comments|post comment

[25 Nov 2003|11:01pm] work was amazing today. i spent the entire day hanging out with two boys, one 5, the other 6. they're so cute. i feel like they need me, and they will never realize how much i need them. i like to think that when they're my age maybe there will be a fond memory of a daycare. a memory of when things were simple. i wouldn't even want them to remember my name, just maybe recall a face, and how much joy that face brought to them. i decided today that i should start considering a career in child psychology. childhood is too precious to be tampered with, and i want to help those children who had the purity of their childhood soiled. perfect day at work, then this: i should have expected more from this night i wanted this night to happen ever since i was admitted to the hospital. this was the big day when everyone that "cares" about me came home. i don't even know why i went to see her. she stopped being my best friend a long time ago. there's people that mean so much more to me than her. i made a mistake. she caught me smoking. she yelled, i screamed. afterwards there was a half ass hug. i knew we both wished i wasn't there, so i left. i wish she knew that the reason i was smoking. fuck even i wished i wasn't smoking. i guess i just couldn't take it. that's a lame ass excuse. i felt so naive. i hate feeling naive. it's just that i always thought that with the exception of a few major flaws my father did an amazing job raising me. there are so many of his tactics that i want to replicate. it all used to make sense. i wanted a little girl so bad. anyone who knows me can tell you how much i want my little girl. then he told me he failed in raising me. HE FAILED. wow. he's said some mean shit to me, but nothing ever has hit me as hard as this did. if he failed, than that would make me a failure. i would consider myself a lot of derogatory things, but never a failure. in fact, i'm kind of proud of the person i am. i really don't know what to think anymore. i wish my dad could see what i mean to certain people. i wish he could have seen me on the best night of my life, when i felt like i meant the world to someone. i wish he could see how much i love him, and how much compassion i have. maybe he wouldn't say i was a failure then. now the tears are streaming down my face and i don't think i can write anymore. post comment

ignore this [19 Nov 2003|11:56pm] i'm lost i miss, well, i don't even know what i miss anymore i can't find what i need if i don't know what it is post comment

[18 Nov 2003|12:30am] i'm so fucked up. i think it's taken me being happy again to realize how much this illness has affected me. i have so many trust issues now. i miss the people that used to mean so much to me, and i can't help but sit here and wonder how much i mean to them. i though walking again was gonna be the hard part. now i'm starting to think that building up my confidence and trust in others is gonna my biggest challenge to date. i got this email before i got sick....it's the best description of me ever written: my names joe. i love the anniversary. i want to be in a band. a band without drummers. im so cool. i have a hole in my face. i bet when it rains my face will leak. i get drunk a lot. and yell at poor little girls late at night. im a terrible terrible boy. yep. terrible. i get phone calls. which i dont pick up. and then i piss and moan about my phone. that goddamn phone. i never talk to vivian anymore. because im too cool and busy for her. but whatever. its not like shes a priority for me. nope. priorities = big hipped girls and girls from the south and girl who get drunk with me and...yeah. i think its just girls. none of whom i am sleeping with by the way. no. because i joe am much too good for that. nope. no sex for me. i intend to bear children on my own. yep. you heard me. joe will bear his own children. who will dress up and play baseball. and like the zoo. and bears. and shamu. and things will be so perfect for me. but then i will cry myself to death be! cause i am emo joe. the end. post comment

move your hips pretty darlin [17 Nov 2003|01:49am] [ mood | goddamn i feel good ] tonight made me happy. there were so many reminders of things that i love, and thoughts of the things that are to come post comment

[12 Nov 2003|12:02pm] it's scary when i'm all alone and bored. it seems that mornings in my home my trendy side comes gushing out. i've spent the last two hours traipsing around in a trucker hat and sweat bands while bestowing cleanliness to my home. sadly i must now return to my normal wardrobe, which includes no headgear or accessories whatsoever. i'm off to possibly buy my new car. this could be the beginning of the end for the el camino. i'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. post comment

[12 Nov 2003|12:11am] it seems that the older i get, the more my life resembles a mexican jumping bean. i guess that's not necessarily a bad thing. i'm definitely more equipt to cope at this point in my life. lately i've been sitting around trying to figure out why the fuck this all happened to me. i haven't found a reason for all this madness yet, but i know i'm stronger now than i ever thought i would be. if someone told me 3 months ago that i was going to have to drop out of school, spend a week in the hospital, and learn how to walk again i would have said it was impossible. i'm too active to handle something like that. i would go crazy. i've learned a lot about myself these last few months. i've felt good the last few days. my dad and i are getting along again. unfortunately it hasnt changed the fact that i'm still really lonely. i guess you always gotta have something to hope for. post comment

[08 Nov 2003|10:46pm] how did i get so good at starting arguments? i'm ready to start getting along with the people i love again... post comment

[05 Nov 2003|10:42pm] alexh8scomputers (10:39:02 PM): http://www.hamncheez.com/flash/flash/endoftheworld.swf joeh8swallmart (10:39:07 PM): i've seen it alexh8scomputers (10:39:15 PM): oh darn alexh8scomputers (10:39:24 PM): cant keep up with you left wingers joeh8swallmart (10:39:33 PM): you know, we try p.s. i still haven't spoken to my dad since um...he told me i might as well not live here anymore, because i don't contribute anything. i'm ready for a vacation post comment

[03 Nov 2003|01:40pm] as if it wasn't enough that i get this horrible disease and have to go through this hellish rehabilitation, my dad has decided to abandon me. I really can't handle this. He knows that i look up to him more than anyone else in my life. I don't understand how he can have the nerve to tell me that he doesn't care about what i do. It doesn't matter when i come home, because he doesn't miss me. i know i'm being whiny and bitchy but I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! because this hurts like hell post comment

[30 Oct 2003|12:08am] i hate that feeling in the back of my throat when i know i'm about to start crying. sometimes it feels good to let it all out. i feel like no matter what happens, things have to get better than this. maybe next time i get this feeling it will be about something i can control. then i wont have to let the tears run down my face helplessly. i miss home. not my house. the things i associate with being home. i don't know why all i can do is sit here and fucking think how different things could be if i was better post comment

sing along... [25 Oct 2003|11:40pm] saw cursive last night. made me realize i haven't been to a paying show in a million years. connor played the encore with them. it was amusing to see all the weird ass pomona kids freak out. some girl tried to rush the stage. congratulations connor oberst, you're the next chris carraba. joking aside cursive played really fucking well. it felt good to get out. i'm starting to feel human again post comment

[22 Oct 2003|12:15am] RIP Elliott Smith post comment

[14 Oct 2003|01:04am] [ mood | frustrated ] i miss my life i have memories to keep me occupied, but in the end that's all they are, memories i need something to be real post comment

[11 Oct 2003|12:56am] [ mood | annoyed ] i feel like a goddamn charity case. people treat me like i'm a fucking invalid. i guess i'm not exactly contributing anything to the world at this point in my rehabilitation, but i don't need your fucking pity. there's no reason to feel sorry for me, i don't. i'de be lying if i said i didn't at some point during my illness, but that's natural. It just feels shitty when people call to tell me how bad they feel for me instead of talking to me like a normal person. as bad as this sounds this whole thing made me realize who my real friends are. i can't help but sit here and wait for the phone to ring. someone asked me the other day why i'm not pissed at my friends for not being there more for me. it's not gonna do me any good to get pissed off. if i yell and scream all the phone calls and attention will be a result of the pity and guilt i forced on them. so what it all comes down to is a waiting game. i get to sit here in my parents house and wait to get better. i wonder what it's gonna be like when i go back to school. is everything gonna go back to normal? are people gonna blow more smoke up my ass about how much i mean to them? i already have big enough trust issues without something like this happening. i make it a point to never tell anyone anything i don't really feel in my heart is true. the worst thing in the world you could be to me is fake, and i feel betrayed. all that shit about my friends isn't fair to everyone. there have been some very important people that have been there for me (sarah i love you always). i guess it just it just seems like they're to far to fill the major void in my life, and it's not their fault at all. i sit here on weekends and remember what it was like to be able to call people to go out with. it's been a couple of weeks since a friend came to visit and it fucking hurts like hell. i guess the tone of this entry has changed quite a bit. at first i was bitching about people pitying me, and now it seems like i'm begging for you to feel sorry for me. i didn't mean it to come out this way. post comment

[07 Oct 2003|11:18pm] i must be getting better, the burning desire to piss people off has returned. in other news my bitching paid off. i have officially rejoined the driving community i really need to find myself a partner in crime post comment

[07 Oct 2003|01:39pm] [ mood | irritated ] i keep telling them i can drive, but they don't listen to me. bastards. i guarantee i can drive better than my mom, and she's completely able bodied. it's a little disheartening when you tell people you're fine, and they argue with you. i'm not in the hospital anymore, and i don't really need the cane to walk. to me that's fine! end of discussion. go fuck yourself post comment

[04 Oct 2003|09:45pm] [ mood | really fucking lonely ] i've learned to dread the weekends post comment

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